Little Wise Me

I have this card that says: “friends are chosen family.” and I fully agree. My friends are almost the same as my real family. My biological family is like family 1.a and my friends are 1.b. Like plans you make. So if anything ever happens with plan A, you still have something to fall back onto.

We don’t have a song together, we don’t have a tradition we always do, we don’t have a dish we always eat together.. We got nothing like that. But we have each other, and we have our love. And for me, that will always be enough.

Do you know that feeling, when you are walking somewhere (or biking or driving or whatever) you have walked/drove for so many times now, and out of nowhere you notice something you had never seen before? Out of nowhere you see a building or a sign you have never seen. And you think for a second, was it always there, or is this new? But you figure, how can a building appear out of nowhere? It must’ve been me being blind.

I guess you and I were like that. Out of nowhere I noticed features in you, I never had before. And out of nowhere I fell in love. And I still don’t know if you suddenly changed your personality, but that’s almost impossible. It must’ve been me being blind.

It is easy to pretend to be somebody you’re not. Make yourself someone more lovable. But then, what if you fall in love with this person I pretended to be? It will only make me feel worse about who I really am.

You know how you always told me that I was acting like a child when I said that you ignoring me was hurting me? Well, I have scientific proof that emotional pain from feeling left out, activates the same part of the brain as physical pain does, meaning that it hurts the same way. So I told you so! I was telling the truth! The sad part is though, that I am trying desperately to show you these studies, just so you know I never lied to you, and that I really do care about you. Because other scientific proof says that we humans have a drive to belong. And I just want to belong with you.

You know what I sometimes want to do? Just disappear. Not for real or anything, but just not be on any social network, or not talking to you at all. I wonder if you’ll text me, asking me where I am. Caring about me, missing me. But then I am afraid that when I do do this, you won’t text me. And you won’t miss me.

Funny story, we’ll laugh about this for years. It’s so funny, I can hardly get it out. Okay, here we go. I am in love with you and you treat me like crap. Are you laughing yet? No? Neither am I.

It’s easy, you know? Getting mad at you, screaming that you shouldn’t go. I can go all psychological on why I feel the way I feel, but I am not going to. Because that would bore you. I am just mad, because anger has always been easier to express. At least a lot easier than showing that I’m upset. So goodbye.

If a tree falls down in the forest, and nobody is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? People call this a silly question, of course it does. But the truth is, it doesn’t. Sound is only sound when there is someone around to catch the vibration of the air. So no, there is no sound.

So if I am falling in love, but nobody is around to notice or to care, would I still be as in love? Or would you just walk away, like everybody, because nobody was there to catch me making a sound?

absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It is a psychological fact. What is true, is out of sight, out of mind. We need to be around each other. If you aren’t near, we can’t learn who the other person is, and our relationship won’t grow. So why can’t you understand that I don’t want you to leave? I don’t want to be out of your heart. I was just starting to like being there.